I mean I love the "freedom." I get to watch what I want, spread out on the bed (or let one of the twins sleep with me :), and catch up on some good me time. BUT for the most part...
I hate it when Ryan's away.
When he's away, I don't sleep. Ryan forces me to go to bed at a decent hour, partly because he knows it's good for me and mostly because he wants to go to bed and doesn't want to feel guilty for going without me. Either way, it's good for me. When Ryan's here, he helps with the laundry, cleans up around the house, helps with the boys, and just makes me feel at ease in general. I depend on him for so much and it seems like when he's away I realize just how much. Oh how....
I hate it when Ryan's away.
The same can be said for seasons where I don't feel the Lord's presence. Life just doesn't seem right. Sure, there are moments of "freedom." But in the quietness there is an emptiness that is aching to be filled.
The difference is Ryan really is away. I cannot touch him or see him. I can talk to him on the phone, but there's still a distance there. God is NEVER away, it's me who's away from God. OUCH! I rely heavily on Deuteronomy 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." I am strengthened by this truth. But, I am selfish and LEAVE the Lord time and time again. I imagine the Lord sitting (or standing) in heaven saying...
I hate it when Deminy's away.
Lord, today I pray for my wondering heart to be lead back to you. I am humbled by your promise and I love you more for it. Amen.
I think I might sleep alright tonight. :-)
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